


The Danger inside of You

by aworldoflis



Series: Danger!verse [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-11
Updated: 2013-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-28 23:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aworldoflis/pseuds/aworldoflis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his college freshman year, Kurt manages to convince Blaine to give up their game of When harry Met Sally, and it seems their life together can finally start. But a drunk night out leads to a rush to the hospital, and a confession Blaine should have made much earlier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : angst, chronic illness, references to and occurrence of unprotected sex.  
>  **Story notes** : original canon timeline in which Blaine was a senior and Kurt a junior when they met, although Blaine is actually two years older - he transferred to Dalton when he was a senior in public school, but due to the difference in academic demands plus some... trouble... he ended up repeating his junior year. 
> 
> **A/N** : I published this a little over a year ago on FF, but am now transferring everything to here as well. This is a prequel of sorts, the sequel is still a WIP. I'm not sure how this idea popped into my head, but I realized that, while we have a lot of hurt/comfort fics, and both our boys have survived more cancers, car crashes and other accidents than I could count, I hadn't come across any with this particular... hurt. Which, quite honestly, is surprising. So here you go, have a little bit of angst to go with your evening.

They've had this conversation before. It's always Kurt who takes the initiative, though, each time he gets sick of the unspoken feelings, gets fed up with the tension between them that is always there, as comfortingly familiar as it is frustrating.

"I  _saw_  you looking at that guy, Blaine," Kurt sighs, " _everyone_  did."

"He was hitting on you," Blaine retorts, defensive, "and it wasn't the good kind of hitting, either. He was just gonna use you and spit you out the next day. You deserve better than that."

"Did it ever occur to you that that's what I wanted? Just have fun, one night, no commitments?"

He sees Blaine flinch away and he wonders if he's gone too far. In the two and a half years that Kurt has known Blaine, he's barely ever seen him _look_  at another guy. With the exception of one disastrous coffee date with some guy named Jeremy -or Jeremiah?- which was apparently over before it even started, Blaine had never expressed any interest in dating, let alone anything more. Blaine didn't do boyfriends, and he certainly didn't do one night stands - in fact, if Blaine hadn't specifically stated he was gay when they first met, Kurt might have thought he was asexual. He might have even thought Blaine just didn't do feelings, too, but he knew better than that.

"It's not like you," Blaine finally said, and Kurt grudgingly conceded.

"It's not. But I fail to see why you consider it your holy duty to protect me from predatory gays. You're not my boyfriend, Blaine, you don't get to decide who I hook up with, or when."

The silence that follows is long and deafening, and Kurt's already standing up, ready to go to his room when he hears Blaine mutter.

"I'm sorry."

It's another constant in these conversations: Blaine apologizing. Again. And again.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Blaine," Kurt sighs, sliding back in the couch, "I want you to be honest with me. I want you to be honest about how you feel about me."

"You know how I feel about you."

For the first time during the whole conversation, Blaine looks up at him, and Kurt can see in his eyes the second part of that phrase, the part that Blaine never says but still always hangs between them.

_But_ _you_ _weren_ _'_ _t_ _supposed_ _to_ _know_ _that_.

.

" _Let me see!"_

" _No!"_

_Blaine held his sketchbook close to his chest, trying to get it out of reach of Kurt, who was practically attacking him now, demanding he could take a look._

" _You were doodling me, Blaine, I know you were! Now let me see it!"_

_Somehow, Kurt got a firm hold of the sketchbook and when Blaine felt it slipping away, there was only one thing left he could do: he grabbed the first page and released his grip on the rest of the book, leaving Kurt to tumble back on the bed with the sketchbook, but without the much wanted sketch._

" _Blaine! You promised!"_

" _I promised to show you if it was good!" Blaine laughed, propping up the sheet and tossing it in the trash can. "That was no good, so I'm under no obligation to show you anything!"_

_He threw himself back on the bed, grinning as he watched Kurt walk over to rescue the sketch from the trash, mumbling something along the lines of 'bloody perfectionist' under his breath. He was still grinning when he finally realized Kurt had gone quiet, staring at the paper he just picked up._

" _Hey, come on, it's not thát bad!"_

_Blaine tried to keep his voice level, but inside, he could feel the hurt grow. He knew the drawing had been far from perfect, but to elicit thát reaction from Kurt? It wasn't until Kurt turned around and showed him exactly what he was holding, that he suddenly felt ice cold._

_It was a drawing, but not the one Blaine had just tossed away. It was a rough sketch Blaine had made the day before, an imaginary scene of the two of them sitting on a couch, Blaine's head resting on Kurt's shoulder, his eyes closed. It was dotted with little hearts, and as Blaine looked back up at Kurt, he knew he wouldn't be able to talk himself out of this one._

.

"Yes, I know how you feel about me," Kurt exasperates, "which is exactly why I don't understand why you keep doing this to me. To you. To  _us_. I care about you, Blaine, I care about you a lot. And I know you care about me, too. So why won't you give this a chance?"

"Because I can't. I can't have a boyfriend. I don't know how to do it. I never had one before and I don't even know how to be one."

It sounds desperate, and when Kurt catches Blaine's gaze his breath hitches at the whirlwind of feelings in the other man's eyes. It's not even vulnerability, it's panic.

"Everybody steps into their first relationship at the same level, Blaine," Kurt tries to reason with him. "I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I was dating Nick last year, and neither did he. But we pushed through it, together. Because that's what you do when you have a relationship: you support each other, and you talk, and you find a way to make it work. You and I, we've made this friendship work, and I know we can take it further. I believe in us, Blaine. Why can't you? What are you so scared of?"

"Losing you," Blaine says, and it comes out so abruptly and so spontaneously that Kurt knows it's not some empty cliché. "You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose that, I don't want to risk that. For anything."

"You are not going to lose me," Kurt says, although he knows it's a promise he may not be able to keep. Blaine knows it too.

"You broke up with Nick."

"And we still go for coffee every week."

Blaine doesn't reply, fidgeting with his hands in his lap until Kurt scoots over to his side of the couch to take those hands, gently closing his own around them.

"I'm just... I don't know if I can do this much longer," Kurt finally says after another silence. "As much as I love Meg Ryan, I can't be your Sally. I can't get over you if I share an apartment with you and I can't move on if you keep getting jealous every time I try to date someone else. And I'm afraid in the end that's what gonna make you lose me, not a failed relationship."

It sounds harsher than he intended it to - the last thing he wants is to give Blaine an ultimatum. But he means what he says: he knows, with the way things are between them, he can't keep it up much longer.

"I'm so scared," Blaine whispers, "so scared of hurting you."

"You won't," Kurt replies softly, using one finger to lift Blaine's chin up and facing him. "You won't."

When they kiss, it's slow, and deep, the fear and insecurities still too present to let the want take over. There's no promise of happily ever after.

-o0o-

It takes getting used to, even for Kurt, to share their apartment as boyfriends rather than best friends. They take it slow, excruciatingly slow sometimes, as Blaine insists they each keep their own room, rather than share one. It only bothers Kurt until he discovers that they usually end up in the same bed after all. Still, Blaine needs his own space, and there are nights when he slips out to his own bedroom as soon as Kurt has fallen asleep, generally after they've had a particularly heated make out session.

Because that's what they do. They make out. They cuddle, and massage, and kiss, they dance together and fall asleep spooning, but they rarely reach second base - not counting that one time Blaine gave Kurt a hand job (with condom), that is. It frustrates Kurt to no end. Yes, he realizes this is Blaine's first relationship and yes, he understands that everything is new for him, but they're not high school kids anymore. And it's not like Blaine is prude, or body conscious -he will never let an opportunity to shower together pass- he simply seems to have trouble with the sexual aspect of their relationship. Still, it's the only thing about them being together that bothers Kurt, and how shallow would he be to complain about the momentary lack of sex if in every other aspect Blaine is a perfect boyfriend?

.

"Hey there, pretty," Blaine purrs into Kurt's ear when he comes home from classes one day, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and hugging him tightly. Kurt leans into the touch easily, tilting back his head despite the wave of cold Blaine is emanating. Blaine gets the hint, placing a trail of kisses along Kurt's neck and nibbling at his earlobe before he finally lets go.

"What are you making?" he asks, glancing over Kurt's shoulder and in the pot Kurt is stirring in as he takes off his coat and casually throws it over a chair. Kurt is about to make a remark when he sees what Blaine has left on the kitchen table.

"You brought flowers? Again?"

Blaine smiles, giving him a quick kiss when he passes him to take out a vase.

"The ones from last week are almost done. And I know how much you love tulips."

It's still amazing to Kurt exactly how well Blaine seems to know him, and how much pleasure it seems to bring Blaine to use that knowledge to make him happy. It's scary and wonderful all at once.

"Can I help?" Blaine asks once the flowers have found a new home on the kitchen table.

"You could chop up the carrots?"

Blaine wrinkles his nose in response and Kurt laughs. He's very well aware of Blaine's aversion towards carrots, but he'd be damned if he was going to live a carrot-free live just because his boyfriend has some inexplicable dislike for them.

Blaine has barely made it through half of the carrots when Kurt hears him hiss.

"Shit!" he swears, and the knife he was holding scatters on the counter as he brings his finger to his mouth.

"What did you do?"

"Thought my finger was a better vegetable than a carrot, apparently," Blaine says jokingly, although his eyebrows are frowned in pain. He holds off Kurt with his good hand when he wants to take a closer look, though.

"Nono, it's fine, I'll clean it up, put a plaster on it."

"With your left hand?" Kurt arches an eyebrow. "Don't be silly, let me help, I know First Aid, I just need to see how d-"

"NO!" Blaine shouts, and that fact in itself is enough to stop Kurt in his tracks. Blaine never shouts, or yells, or even raises his voice, not to anyone, and especially not to Kurt. When he sees the shocked expression on Kurt's face, however, Blaine quickly deflates.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I shouldn't have yelled. I just... You know how I get. With blood. So I just... just let me clean this up myself, ok?"

Kurt nods, still taken aback, as he watches Blaine carefully dispose of all the carrot pieces that got blood over them and clumsily but meticulously rinse the knife and cutting board with his one hand before tending to his finger.

It is one of these things Kurt knows he will never understand about Blaine. The man could watch hospital series or even horror movies where the blood splattered all over the screen and he would be fine, but if he so much as saw a drop of blood in real life, he almost literally went running. It is exactly why Kurt had wanted to help, but it seemed Blaine was alright when it was his own blood that was involved.

Finally, Kurt shrugs, returning to his pots to finish dinner. He's just added the carrots when Blaine returns from the bathroom.

"It smells delicious," Blaine tells him, managing to put a finger in the pot before Kurt swats away his hand. "Tastes delicious, too."

Kurt accepts the compliment by giving Blaine a playful push with his hips.

"Isn't that a bit exaggerated, though?" he asks, nodding at Blaine's hurt finger which is now thoroughly wrapped in at least two plasters and a finger bandage.

"Wouldn't want to bleed all over your designer clothes when we go out tonight," Blaine winks at him, "I know you'd never forgive me."

It's so true that Kurt doesn't even bother to reply, and he presses a chaste kiss on Blaine's cheek.

"Let's eat - I promised Wes we'd be at the club before eleven, and I haven't picked an outfit yet."

-o0o-

When they come home from the club, they stumble inside. They're both a bit tipsy, if not drunk, Blaine even more so than Kurt which is unusual - Blaine generally doesn't drink. Maybe that's why it actually hits him harder.

Kurt giggles as Blaine pulls him into his room, placing sloppy kisses all over his neck and face.

"You're so beautiful, Kurt, so fucking beautiful," he moans against Kurt's neck, trying in vain to get Kurt out of the belts and cords that constitute his vest for the night. "Can I have you? I wanna have you. I wanna have you and keep you forever and ever."

"You can have me," Kurt replies, still giggling, enjoying the way Blaine's hands are traveling all over his body, as if he wants to feel every square inch of it all at once. "You can have me and you can keep me for as long as you like. But first I'm gonna brush my teeth, ok?"

Blaine groans, only reluctantly letting go of Kurt as he lets himself fall on the bed. Kurt can't help but smile as he glances over his boyfriend's relaxed, outstretched body and he makes a mental note to get Blaine drunk more often - he likes this side of him: flirty, and loose, for once not concerned with all the rules he seems to have imposed on himself.

He kind of expects Blaine to have fallen asleep by the time he returns from the bathroom, but much to his surprise Blaine is still fully awake, pulling Kurt in to kiss him as soon as he gets in the bed.

"Well now... someone's enthusiastic," Kurt breathes against Blaine's lips, and it only seems to add to Blaine's fervor because he pulls Kurt in closer, deepening the kiss as he lets his arm trail along Kurt's chest and over his stomach -south, south- until he finally reaches the waistband of Kurt's pajama pants. Kurt expects him to stop, as he usually does, and he gasps in surprise as Blaine slips his hand into his boxers and wraps it around his half-hard cock without any sign of hesitation. It's all sloppy and messy and with little direction, but Kurt's gone so long without this that he really doesn't care.

"Want to try something new?" he whispers, and before Blaine can answer he pushes into Blaine with his whole body, forcing him on his back and straddling him.

"Don't... I don't..." Blaine tries to say as Kurt nibbles his earlobe and presses his hips down to where Blaine's hand is still holding his cock. But Kurt knows what he means - Blaine's always been very adamant when it came to this.

"I'm not gonna fuck you, I promise," Kurt breathes as he places a trail of kisses along Blaine's neck. "Just... let me take care of you, alright?"

He feels Blaine's nod more than he can see it, and his heart's pounding in his chest at the mere idea of what he's about to do. Blowing Blaine has been number one on his fantasy list for a long time and now he finally gets to live it.

He plans to make it last.

-o0o-

It's still early the following morning when Kurt feels Blaine move beside him, and an unmistakable groan signals his boyfriend's waking up.

"You ok?" he asks, eyes still closed.

"Headache," is the mumbled reply. There's a ruffle, and then, surprised: "Did we... sleep naked?"

Kurt chuckles, nuzzling closer to Blaine.

"Oh, we did so much more than just sleep."

"What?"

Blaine jerks up, leaving Kurt to fall back into the cushions with a grunt as he discovers Blaine's not the only one with a headache.

"Did we...? We didn't... tell me we didn't..."

Whether it's the look of horror on Blaine's face or the fact that he doesn't remember what happened the night before, Kurt doesn't know, but he feels hurt, somehow.

"No, we didn't," he says curtly, missing the instant look of relief on Blaine's face because he's folded both arms over his eyes. "You let me blow you, though."

He gets caught up in the memory enough that doesn't notice exactly how uncomfortable the silence that follows is until he hears Blaine speak again, his voice more strained than he's ever heard it.

"Did you floss?"

It's an odd question, even for Blaine, and Kurt lifts his arms to look at Blaine questioningly. All he sees, however, is his back, and a pair of tensed shoulders.

"What?"

"Did you floss, yesterday, before..."

Blaine lets the sentence trail and not for the first time Kurt tries not to think how hurtful his sober boyfriend's aversion to anything sexual is. He certainly hadn't seemed to mind the day before.

"I did," Kurt says, "but why is tha-"

"Did you swallow?"

"Why are y-"

"It's an easy enough question," Blaine interrupts him, raising his voice for the second time in less than 24 hours and turning around at Kurt. "Did you or did you not swallow my cum?"

Under any other circumstances Kurt would have taken full advantage of the dirty-joke potential of that last question, but Blaine is looking pale as a sheet now and something tells him he should just answer.

"Yes," he sighs. "Yes, I did."

Instantly Blaine's face falls, looking like he just saw someone hit his puppy.

"Get dressed," he finally says, sounding hollow. "We've got to get you to the hospital. Now."

-o0o-

"I'll explain at the hospital" is the only reply Kurt gets when he tries to ask Blaine what's wrong, and what it is that's so urgent they need to get to the hospital at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Although Kurt is sure it can't really be more than ten minutes, the cab ride seems to take forever. Blaine has gotten into a frenzy, talking frantically on the phone for the whole ride. The part of the one sided conversation Kurt can overhear scares the hell out of him, but Blaine is too busy to even look at him, let alone answer any questions.

"Tabita? Stars I'm so happy I get you on duty... could you set up a PEP registry? ... yes, I'm sure... my boyfriend... a couple of hours ago, four, maybe five... yeah, that's what I was hoping... I'd still really want him to come in now... I don't even know, to be fair, I never asked. Negative, I guess... I know!" He's sitting with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead in that way he always does when he feels insecure or guilty. "I know, please, don't tell me that, I know... trust me, I know... I'll see you in... fifteen minutes or so?"

"Linda, it's me, Blaine. Look I'm sorry to call you now but you don't happen to have clinic duty today, do you? ... Kurt... no, I didn't, it's not that - stars, I never thought I'd say this but  _I_ _wish_  it was that... we went clubbing, I was drunk..." More forehead rubbing. "Look - I really don't want to talk about this right now but I'm pretty sure he's gonna need PEP and I would just really appreciate it if you were there... we're on our way now, actually... thanks... thank you so much... see you..."

When he gets off the phone, they've just arrived at the hospital, and Blaine leads the way: through a corridor, up in the elevator, third floor, more corridors, doors, a turn and then - a waiting room. Blaine makes straight for the reception desk, and Kurt only catches half of the conversation as he takes in his surroundings.

" _Tabita, did you get a hold of dr. Van Buiten?"_

There are chairs lining the walls opposite the reception desk, but they look uncomfortable and Kurt doesn't want to sit down right now. He's too anxious, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and although he's sure he has a hangover, he doesn't feel a thing.

" _He'll have to fill in this questionnaire, you can do that while you're waiting. Linda called, she's stuck in traffic but she should be here in half an hour."_

There's posters decorating the walls, some old and barely readable, others new and shiny, but they all carry the same red ribbon button in their upper left corner.  _PROTECT_ _YOURSELF_ , one poster shouts at him;  _IS_ _YOUR_ _SOCIAL_ _LIFE_ _TOO_ _BUSY?_ _TRY_ _THE_ _AIDS_ _STIGMA!_  another proclaims. It's messing with his head, because he can't understand why he's here, can't understand why Blaine took him to a Sexual Health Centre without a good reason - a good reason decidedly  _not_  the one that seems most plausible right now. Blaine's never had a boyfriend, he's clean, he has to be, and Kurt got tested only half a year ago, so there's no reason for them to be here, really, no reason at all.

"Hey pretty," Blaine's familiar voice sounds next to him, and Kurt turns around to see Blaine looking at him, a clipboard in hand. "We need to do some paper work before I can get anyone to see you."

"I'm not doing any paper work before you tell me what's going on here."

Somehow, Kurt is surprised he's able to muster the calm and the audacity to say it, because it feels like he's dying on the inside, and the guilt that shines from Blaine's eyes brighter than ever does nothing to calm him down.

"I don't understand why you're freaking out, I don't understand why you took me here, I don't understand why I should go along with any of this and I want answers, Blaine, I need answers because you're leaving me guessing here and I'm making up these scenario's in my head and it can't be true, Blaine, please, tell me it is not true."

Blaine is staring at his feet, and Kurt just wants to rush over to him, kiss him, shake him, hug him - but there's a wall of unanswered questions between them and Blaine is the only one who can tear it down. When Blaine finally looks up, he looks empty.

"I'm positive, Kurt."

* * *

For Kurt, the rest of that morning passes in a daze. Blaine's positive HIV status is only the first shock of that day, and he feels himself slowly disconnect from everything that's going on around him as the realization starts to sink in. He could get AIDS. He let his hormones win from his common sense, he had unprotected sex, and now he could get AIDS. He answers the questions that are fired at him on auto-pilot.

_What's your status?_  Negative.  _Do you have or have you had any other STI's?_ No.  _When were you last tested?_  Six months ago. No, seven.  _Did you have unprotected sex since then?_  No. Yes. Last night.  _What kind of sex was involved?_  I blew him. _Did either of you cum in the other person's mouth?_ He did. _Did you swallow?_  Yes. _Did anything else happen that you were worried about?_  Yes. No. I don't know.

"He brushed his teeth before coming to bed. And flossed."

Blaine.

Kurt doesn't want him around, not really, feeling strangely exposed as he is forced to lay out the details of his current and past sex life. He shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about these things in front of Blaine -he already knows it all, or almost- but he is, because when he looks at Blaine, it's like he's seeing someone else altogether. He can almost  _feel_  the danger emanating from him, can almost  _see_  the virus crawl underneath his skin.

It makes him want to throw up.

But Blaine holds his hand when they draw blood samples to test for pre-existing STI's and Kurt's grateful for that, at least. He's grateful that he's not alone when the doctor explains how he'll have to take antiretroviral drugs for four weeks, after which he will be tested again, and again after an additional two months. Kurt's head is spinning - it will be three months, three months before he can be sure, three months before he knows whether or not Blaine has signed his death sentence. He'll have to go through finals without knowing whether he'll be able to finish his degree, he'll have to spend his summer internship at the Costume Department making sure he doesn't accidentally cut himself, or prick himself with a needle, because he's a liability now.

It doesn't matter that everybody insists that, even come the worst, he should be able to live a normal life. It doesn't matter the doctor gives him good chances and assures him the PEP treatment is just to be on the safe side, because of the flossing, and the swallowing. They're at it quickly, and the risk of infection through oral sex is small to begin with, anyway.

He almost chokes when he's given three bottles of pills - they will get him through the first week of treatment, until his follow-up appointment with the doctor. They want him to talk to someone as well, a counsellor or something along those lines, and when Blaine suggests he talk to Linda, he nods mutely. She's the one who has been following up on Blaine, apparently, and she seems nice enough, although later Kurt can't remember anything she said to him that day.

-o0o-

When they finally arrive home, Kurt just lets himself plop onto the couch, not even bothering to take off his coat or shoes. He wonders if he should call his dad. He doesn't want to worry him but he knows neither Burt nor Carole will appreciate being kept out of the loop for months if it turns out... if he...

He can't even think it.

He's pulled from his thoughts when he sees Blaine crouch down across from the coffee table. He's holding a small, rectangular box, but it isn't until Kurt sees him shaking the pills out of their bottle that he realizes it's a pill dispenser. And somehow, that's what hauls him out of his lethargy. That box, that he might have to keep next to his toothbrush every single day of the rest of his life, the symbol of what his life will be like if the PEP treatment doesn't work.

"What are you doing?" he asks, and he hates how high-pitched his voice sounds, how the anxiety and anger he's feeling are so blatantly  _present_.

"Sorting out your pills. It's easier to have them in a dispenser, especially at the beginning, to make sure you don't forget."

Blaine talks as if they're discussing wardrobe reorganizations and if anything, it pisses Kurt off even more.

"So that's it? We're not even going to talk about this? I'll just take the pills, hope for the best and pretend nothing's happened?"

The silence that follows is poignant, and Kurt can see Blaine swallow painfully as he puts down the dispenser.

"I don't know what to say," he says - and Kurt wishes he would look him in the eye, because it's like Blaine's not even talking to Kurt, like he's just saying random, meaningless words. "I don't think there's anything I  _can_  say. I made a mistake. I screwed up."

Kurt huffs.

"You screwed up?" he scolds, incredulous. " _You screwed up_? Blaine, 'screwed up' doesn't even begin to cover it! You  _fucked up_ , you fucked up big time, you potentially ruined my life because apparently not only am I not good enough for you, you feel the need to sleep around as well!"

"Wh-what?" The shock on Blaine's face is real, but Kurt pays it no attention. It's as if a dam has broken inside him, and the words just come streaming out.

"Don't you even  _try_  to deny it, Warbler boy, because I'm not having it - god only know how long you've been lying to me and I'm putting an end to it right now. Do you even  _like_  me? Do you even give a shit? It's one thing not to return my feelings, Blaine, I would have understood, really, it would have been hard, but I would've gotten over it - but pretending to like me, avoiding sex like the plague because the only way you think I'm even attractive is when you have your beer goggles on, only to go have some random, anonymous,  _unprotected_  sex with a stranger?"

"NO! I never-!"

"And when were you planning on telling me this? Were you even planning on telling me at all? I thought we were friends, Blaine, I thought we were _boyfriends_. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Doesn't our friendship, our relationship - don't  _I_  mean anything to you?"

"I was g-"

"You know what, I don't have to put up with this."

Kurt stands up, pointing at the door.

"Out," he bites.

The sudden calmness that Kurt is emanating right now is scarier to Blaine than the fury he was spreading before. Fury he could deal with -you couldn't live with Kurt Hummel and  _not_  learn to deal with his bouts of fury and passion-, but this, this ice cold, distant copy of Kurt... he's not sure how to deal with that.

"Kurt, please," he begs, "let me explain."

"There is nothing  _to_  explain."

It sounds unforgiving, and Blaine gets the eerie feeling that's exactly what it is.

"It's not what you think, if you would just let me-"

"Out."

"You have t-"

"Out!"

"Kurt, I-"

"OUT!"

-o0o-

Blaine doesn't show at all over the next three days. He doesn't call, doesn't text, doesn't even stop by to pick up his school books or a change of clothes. It bothers Kurt more than he likes to admit, but he refuses to take the first step - it was  _Blaine_  who was at fault here, after all, not him, even if he might have overreacted a little bit. Although - was there such a thing as overreacting when you found out your boyfriend had cheated on you and thought AIDS might make a wonderful late Christmas present?

Still, Kurt knows he's made more than one hurtful comment he didn't actually mean, and the complete lack of news from Blaine leaves him on edge. The constant state of nausea he is in -courtesy of the PEP- does nothing if not make him more irritated. So when Linda -pretty, polite,  _Blaine's therapist_  Linda - and  _why_  did he agree to seeing  _her_ , again?- asks him the innocent 'So how are you doing?', he snaps.

"I'm doing just great. My boyfriend cheated on me, got HIV in the process and conveniently forgot to tell me, only to proceed to possibly sign my death sentence. It's exactly what I was missing in my life."

He glares at her icily, expecting to immediately pick up on his dead man walking reference. It is the first thing everyone said to him, after all, the first thing all the blogs and websites insist on shoving down his throat: 'HIV is not a death sentence, not anymore', 'you can live a perfectly normal life with HIV', 'provided adequate medical care your life expectancy will not decrease significantly', ... . It makes Kurt sick to his stomach. True as it all was, the fact of the matter remained that this thing would -could, he reminds himself- kill him sooner or later, and the fact that it would -could- take a lifetime rather than a couple of years actually only made it worse.

But the therapist seems to have picked up on something else entirely.

"Why are you so convinced he cheated on you?" she asks.

"We've been best friends forever," Kurt replies, grudgingly, "and I know for a fact he's never had a boyfriend. He would have told me if he did. The fact that he didn't proves he was ashamed of admitting he slept with someone, which would only make sense if he was cheating on me."

Linda nods, as if the reasoning sounds plausible to her, too.

"Tell me, does Blaine strike you as a cheater?"

"No."

Even Kurt is surprised at how fast the reply comes out.

"Has he admitted to cheating on you?"

_NO! I never-!_

"... no."

"Then why the conviction?"

Her expression is neutral, but Kurt can feel it - this woman knows Blaine, too. She knows he is too honest to ever cheat, and too honorable not to admit it if he ever did make the mistake.

"Because he has to have cheated."

He's avoiding the question and he knows it. She knows it.

"Why?"

It takes Kurt a moment to formulate his answer, and when the words finally come out, they are purposeful, slow - as if he wants to postpone saying them as long as possible.

"Because if he cheated... our relationship was a lie. The last ten weeks were a lie. But if he didn't... if he... if he was positive  _before_..." He closes his eyes. "...then our whole friendship has been a lie."

-o0o-

_"We should go see the nurse, Blaine, this isn't normal."_

_They were sitting cross-legged on Blaine's bed, across from each other. Blaine looked absolutely miserable after hanging over the toilet for the past three hours, but he still refused to go see the school nurse._

_"She can't do anything, Kurt, she'll just give me a note why I couldn't attend class and that's it."_

_Blaine was right, although Kurt didn't know why. He was sure that if any other student in Dalton was puking their guts out every day for three days straight, they would be made to see a doctor, their parents would be informed, and they might even be sent home. When Kurt dragged the nurse up to their dorm, however -seeing as Blaine wouldn't go to the nurse- she just established Blaine didn't have a temperature, brought him a glass of water, and further refused to even examine him._

_"It's just these... vitamins. My body has to get used to them, that's all."_

_Kurt hesitated. Blaine's health had been shaky, to say the least, the last couple of weeks, and when his GP had finally prescribed him an elaborate vitamin treatment, Kurt had initially been hopeful. But while Blaine insisted the treatment was actually working, Kurt wasn't so sure, not when it involved Blaine running out of class every other hour. He was missing something, he knew he was._

_"You know you can tell me anything, right?"_

_"I'm positive."_

_Blaine blurted out the words, and Kurt looked at him in confusion._

_"You're positive? Positive about what?"_

_But something in Blaine shifted, and although Kurt couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly, he got the distinct feeling that not only did he miss something important, he had just said something terribly wrong._

_But Blaine smiled at him reassuringly._

_"I'm positive I can tell you anything," he said, squeezing Kurt's hands. "But it'll be alright. I promise."_

_As usual, Blaine was right. Within two weeks the nausea had disappeared and the color had returned to his cheeks._

_Kurt never gave the incident another thought._

-o0o-

He comes home, yet again, to an empty house. It shouldn't surprise him anymore, but it still hurts. Kurt doesn't even know where they stand right now, Blaine and him, doesn't know whether they're still boyfriends, or even friends - whether they still cán be - but it doesn't mean he's not worried. Apparently though, Blaine doesn't even care enough about  _him_  anymore to let him know he's ok.

Kurt throws his keys in the bowl on the counter, pressing the button of the answering machine in passing as he walks up to the fridge.

*  _Hey Kurt, it's me - Gary. Say, are you home this afternoon? I'd like to pick up some stuff for Blaine, if that's alright. Blaine gave me the key so I can let myself in, but I wanted to check with you first so you don't think it was burglars or something. I'd be there around four, let me know if it doesn't work for you, ok? See ya. *_

So he was staying at his brother's.

Somehow, it makes Kurt relax a bit more. He had feared Blaine would crash at David's, or worse, at Jeff's. They are good guys, they really are, but Kurt just knows that their way of comforting Blaine would entail a lot of going out and even more alcohol, and he's pretty sure that's not what Blaine needs.

He's equally sure he's not supposed to care about Blaine that much right now.

He looks at the clock -11.15- and decides to grab a quick, light lunch before the PEP kicks in and the mere thought of food will have him running to the bathroom. Afternoons were always the worst, and he wonders if he should call Gary to ask him to come the following morning before he decides not to: better to get this over with first. Besides, he has class tomorrow morning and he has missed enough of those this week already.

He wakes up a couple of hours later when the doorbell rings, shooting up and immediately regretting it - the room seems to be spinning around him and he closes his eyes, holding on to the couch to give him some sense of up and down, at least. By the time he feels secure enough to open his eyes again, he can hear the familiar click of a key turning, and the front door opening.

"Oh, Kurt, I'm sorry!" Gary looks genuinely embarrassed when he walks into the living room. "I called but... I, eh... ," he points back at the door he just came through. "I can come back later, if you prefer."

"No, no, it's ok," Kurt waves dismissively, although he still feels like everything around him is swirling. "Come in. I was just... I just fell asleep."

He can feel Gary look him up and down with concern in his eyes, and he wonders if the other man will notice the sweats and hoodie he's wearing are actually Blaine's. He probably does - he is gay, too, after all, and even if he doesn't share Kurt's exquisite taste in fashion, he still has a good eye for clothes.

"How are you?" Kurt asks, more out of politeness than out of concern, but after knowing Gary for almost two years, he shouldn't be surprised he gets more than he bargained for.

"Fine," Gary tells him, taking of his scarf and his jacket. "Which apparently can't be said of you. How's the PEP treating you?"

"It could be worse," Kurt shrugs, not surprised Gary seems to know the details of his current situation - Blaine and his brother had always been very close, "I'm nauseous 24/7 and I'm scared to be further than ten feet from a bathroom, but at least I'm not puking all over the place. Yet."

"You know you can ask to switch your meds if it's that bad, right?" Gary tells him, and Kurt shoots him an investigating look.

"Personal experience?"

"A friend. It worked for him."

Kurt flinches. He knows it's Gary's way to give him a thumbs up, a reminder that, most often, the PEP treatment is able to prevent the virus from taking over, but it only serves to make him remember that 'most often' doesn't equal 'always'.

"Are you here on your own?" Gary asks, looking around inquisitively. "Because you shouldn't be dealing with this all by yourself. I'd let you stay with us, but..."

"I told Mercedes. She brought me soup yesterday," Kurt interrupts him, vaguely pointing towards the kitchen. "She's busy with classes now but she'll be staying over this weekend. I told my parents too, though they can't really do anything, of course. My dad is furious, so tell Blaine that offer for life long free car check-ups has probably expired."

Gary nods, and Kurt can see that he's genuinely relieved to see Kurt is not, in fact, alone in this. He closes his hands around the glass of water he'd kept on the coffee table, trying to sound casual.

"So... he's staying with you guys?"

"Yeah, I told him to stay the week - give you some space," Gary nods, and it doesn't escape Kurt's attention how he's casually taking responsibility for Blaine's silence. "Benjamin and I are flying out to Ohio tomorrow to celebrate Easter with my parents anyway, so he can have the place to himself."

Kurt doesn't bother to ask why Blaine isn't going with them. Blaine's relationship with his parents has been strained for as long as Kurt can remember, and it has never ceased to amaze him how these people could be accepting and supporting parents towards Gary, but not Blaine. Now, he can't help but wonder if Blaine's positive HIV status has something to do with it.

"How is he doing?"

If Gary is surprised he asks -or even cares- he doesn't let it show.

"Let's say I'm pretty sure he'll have perfect marks this semester."

Kurt feels his chest tighten. Blaine's way of dealing with things usually involved him throwing himself in his work -school or otherwise-, and there is nothing Gary could've said that would have made it any clearer to Kurt that Blaine isn't doing well.

"Look, Kurt..." Gary starts, looking slightly uncomfortable, and somehow Kurt already knows what he's going to say. "I know it's probably not my place..."

"It probably isn't."

"... but I need you to know the reason Blaine didn't tell you isn't because he doesn't trust you. It's because he didn't want to lose you."

"Because lying to me is obviously going to make me want to stay around."

Kurt couldn't have kept the bitterness out of his voice even if he'd wanted to.

"He always intended to tell you. I promise you he did. But this... it hasn't been easy for him, Kurt. He has only ever told a couple of people and they all reacted pretty badly. I know it's hard for you right now and I know you probably don't want to see him anymore, but... you have your parents, and your friends, to be there for you. Blaine never had that, he went through it all by himself. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him but he had his reasons. It would mean a lot if you would give him a chance to explain, at least."

Kurt doesn't reply and Gary looks like he's going to say something more, but refrains.

"I'm just... going to get his things."

It doesn't take him long - he obviously knows what he's looking for, and Blaine has always been very organized. On his way out, he quickly pokes his head around the corner to say goodbye.

"See you around, Kurt," he waves, throwing the duffle bag over his shoulder. "I really hope the PEP's gonna work for you."

He's already halfway down the hall towards the front door when Kurt runs after him.

"Gary! Wait!"

There's a confused look on Gary's face, but he stops nevertheless, his hand on the doorknob, waiting for Kurt to say something.

"Leave the bag," Kurt says, and he's pretty sure he'll regret doing this as soon as Gary is out the door, but he knows he'll regret it even more if he doesn't. "Tell him... tell him if he wants his stuff, he has to come get it himself."

There's a tiny smile that appears around Gary's lips as he slowly lowers the bag on the floor. They stand there for a moment, simply looking at each other, before Gary finally turns the knob to let himself out. Kurt watches him as he goes, turning around at the door to look at Kurt.

"Thank you," he says. "On behalf of Blaine."

Kurt just nods, willing him to go before he changes his mind. After the door clicks shut, he lets himself drop on the floor. All he can do now, is wait.

* * *

Not even an hour has passed when Kurt hears someone fiddling at the front door again, and hesitant footsteps enter the hallway.

"Kurt?"

'Here!" Kurt shouts, or rather, yelps, from where he's slouched on the bathroom floor. Blaine appears to have heard him anyway, however, because within seconds he's in the doorway and it's clear he doesn't like what he sees.

"God, Kurt, are you ok?"

He doesn't even bother to take off his coat and just runs to the sink, wetting a washcloth to wipe Kurt's face while Kurt tries to reassure him that, yes, he is just fine. Blaine doesn't seem to hear, though, launching into full-on nurse mode.

"Why didn't you tell me, I could've... or at least sent someone... can you walk? Here, put your arm around me... have you had anything to drink yet?"

"Some water... orange juice... "

"Jesus, Kurt, why didn't you ask to switch cocktails?"

As he helps Kurt to the living room and installs him on the couch, Blaine continues his tirade on how Kurt should've told someone earlier he was feeling this bad, and if Kurt wasn't feeling so miserable he'd probably find it endearing to watch. It makes him feel exactly how much he missed his boyfriend as well as his buddy these past couple of days - until he remembers how they ended up in this situation in the first place.

"Blaine... Blaine, stop fussing... I'm fine," he says, reaching out to grab the other man's hand as he pulls a blanket over him. "I thought I could take eating an apple, my stomach disagreed, that's all. It's out now, I'll be fine."

Blaine looks at him skeptically, but lets himself be pulled down nonetheless.

"Are you sure?"

Kurt nods.

"Because I can-"

"Blaine," Kurt insists, pulling him back down when Blaine wants to get up again. "I'm. Fine."

The silence that follows isn't so much uncomfortable as it is expectant, and Blaine awkwardly rearranges Kurt's blanket to give his hands something to do.

"You know you really should buy your own pair of sweats," he says, obviously trying to make conversation, "mine will always be too short on you."

"I have never owned sweat pants, and I'm not planning on changing that anytime soon," Kurt shrugs haughtily. "And I would've changed but I didn't expect you to stop by today still. Don't you have class now?"

He lets his eyes trail over Blaine - the wide, too long pair of blue jeans he's obviously borrowed from Gary, the maroon sweater he doesn't recognize but is surprisingly flattering on him, the lines around his eyes that weren't there four days ago.

"I know how you hate waiting for things you're not looking forward to," Blaine replies uncomfortably. "And I guessed talking to my ex-boyfriend kinda classifies as a practical exercise for that Psychology of Trauma course."

Kurt feels his heart skip a beat.

"Is that what we are?" he asks, quietly. "Ex-boyfriends?"

"Aren't we? I mean..." Blaine hesitates, suddenly aware of a boundary he may have overstepped. "I kind of assumed..."

"Yeah, well, assumptions are the termites of relationships, aren't they?"

"You mean you don't want to break up with me?"

The hope that flares up in Blaine's voice and eyes is almost too much for Kurt to take, and he instantly knows he made a mistake in using that particular quote.

"This is not about what I want, Blaine," he tries to explain, "it's about what I need. And what I need is to talk about this, first. All of this."

Blaine seems to crumble, pulling away from Kurt to cuddle up on himself in the other couch.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Just be honest with me. Please."

Blaine nods, and Kurt knows that, in that moment, he could ask Blaine anything, and he would get a truthful answer.

"I know you didn't cheat on me," he says. "At least I don't think you did - it would be kind of hard to get two tests 90 days apart when we haven't even been together for that long. Which means it happened  _before._  And I don't understand... why? I just don't get why you didn't tell me."

It's a simple enough question, but the answer seems to come harder to Blaine.

"I tried," he finally says. "I really tried. I wrote you letters, and I prepared speeches. I even brought pamphlets one time, you know, for friends and family of... they're still in my drawer if you..."

He looks away.

"I just never... I could never actually dó it. Sáy it. I was so scared of losing you. Still am. You're... you're one of the best things that have ever happened to me and I... I mean, even my own parents barely wanted anything to do with me after they found out, and with the way Jeremiah took it-"

"Wait, what?" Kurt asks incredulously, holding up his hands. Anything Blaine has said so far is so very...  _Blaine_ , but this is a name he hadn't expected to hear. " _Jeremiah?_ "

He vaguely remembers the GAP employee, the only guy Blaine had ever spontaneously expressed an interest in. After he'd finally managed to pluck up the courage to ask him out -for Valentine's day, no less-, the date had ended with an upset and angry Blaine returning to Dalton much too soon, refusing to talk to anyone for over a week.

"Please don't be mad," Blaine pleads, but he looks guilty. "We only knew each other for a couple of months back then and I wa-"

"That's not what I meant," Kurt interrupts him. And it isn't, because suddenly this isn't about why Blaine didn't tell Kurt anymore. Because somehow, somewhere, Kurt had assumed Blaine had gotten infected during his first year in New York, carried away by the sheer amount of  _possibilities_  the city had to offer to a country boy. It was part of the reason why he was so angry, because Blaine hadn't even given Kurt the chance to be there for him when it all happened. But if Kurt understood correctly, if Blaine had told  _Jeremiah_ , that meant that...

"Blaine, how long exactly have you been... I mean... how old were you when..."

> _"Sixteen," he said, and the doctor across the desk eyed him critically. To Blaine's surprise there was no judgement in his look, but he could still feel how those piercing eyes seemed to be able to read everything that was going on in his mind. He lowered his head, relaxing a little when he felt his brother squeeze his hand encouragingly._
> 
> _"I just really don't want to worry our parents when it's not necessary," he heard Gary say. "I promise if the result is negative... I mean... positive... we'll tell them. But they don't even know he's gay. They won't take it well."_
> 
> _The doctor simply nodded, and Blaine felt like he could breathe again. They found a doctor who was willing to test him without informing his parents, and he was just going to go through this formality, prove to his brother there was nothing to worry about, and then they could all just move on with their lives and this nightmare would be over._
> 
> _His first test was negative._
> 
> _His second one, three months later, was not._

"Jesus, Blaine..." Kurt breathes, appalled. "Sixteen... wow... but what did you even, I mean... how did you even cope with that?"

Blaine laughs humorlessly.

"I didn't, not for the longest time. I rebelled so hard I actually stopped taking my meds at one point. Developed resistance, the whole circus. It took weeks before they found a new cocktail that worked and didn't have me puke my guts out."

There's a vague memory tugging at the edges of Kurt's conscience, but it's gone before he can actually attempt to place it.

"But how?" he asks incredulously. "How does a sixteen year old contract HIV?"

Blaine lets out another short, sarcastic laugh.

"The usual way," he replies. "Being young and naive."

> _"Please, Gary!" Blaine said, looking up to his brother. "Let me visit for Easter break!"_
> 
> _"You don't want to visit me, you want to visit the gay bars and gasp at handsome New Yorkers," Gary laughed as he packed his suitcase._
> 
> _"Your fault," Blaine pouted, falling back on the bed. "Every break you come home with stories of your conquests and how wonderful the gay scene is, and I'm stuck here in Ohio between the homophobes and the pretty, yet hopelessly straight boys."_
> 
> _"Just one more year, little brother, and then you're off to college and you can explore all these wonders yourself. Until then, you just stay here in your pretty little closet, and don't get yourself into trouble."_
> 
> _"What if I wánted to get into trouble?" Blaine winked._
> 
> _"Blaine," Gary said with finality, slamming his suitcase shut. "It took mom and dad over a year to accept me, and they only managed by placing all their hopes on you to defend the family honor. If you're coming out while you're living under their roof, you're gonna make life very hard on yourself. Not to mention what they'll do at school. I've been there, Blaine, trust me, just... stay in. One more year."_
> 
> _"A year and a half," Blaine corrected him, crestfallen. "I just want to know what it_ feels _like! To be able to check out a boy openly. To bé checked out. To kiss, maybe..."_
> 
> _"Forget it, Blaine. You're too young."_
> 
> _"You were younger than I am now when I caught you kissing Liam under the bleachers..." Blaine rolled onto his stomach, looking up at his brother pleadingly. "Just, tell me you'll think about it? Please?"_
> 
> _Gary sighed, cocking his head. He remembered his junior year at high school - the hormones, the frustration, ..._
> 
> _"Alright, I'll ask," he said, raising his hands in a vague attempt to calm Blaine who had started jumping up and down the bed exitedly. "But I'm not promising!"_

"I spent a whole week in New York, hanging with Gary and his college friends, and it was just... amazing," Blaine says, his face lightening up at the memory. "We didn't go out that much -Gary didn't want to risk me getting caught with a fake ID- but there were dorm parties and the like and I... god, I just wanted to make the most of it all."

He rubs his forehead, pausing for a moment to give himself time to decide how to continue the story.

"Gary kept a close eye on me all the time, and mostly his friends didn't want to piss him off so they kept away from me, but I still managed to get a couple of kisses, and some more, here and there... . And then there was Brad.

"From the moment he saw me, he just... didn't let go. He wasn't pushy, or anything like that, he seemed content just watching me and flirting with me and... I think that, in the end, was what drew me to him. I never had that before. Never had a guy give me attention like thát. Like he wanted me. We managed to sneak off to his dorm room the last night I was there."

When Blaine looks up, Kurt is surprised to see he is actually grinning, a mischievous grin Kurt is sure decorated his face that night as well.

"It was magical. He even told me he'd call me after. He never did, of course, and I was completely heartbroken. The love of my life and I had lost it!" Blaine declared dramatically, but there was an undertone of amusement.

"So I started nagging my brother, trying to get Brad's phone number, or his e-mail address. Something. I hadn't told Gary about that last night, and he didn't immediately catch on, thought I was just being dramatic... When he finally found out..."

Blaine looks back at Kurt, all mischief and amusement gone.

"I really have him to thank for getting tested in the first place - I don't want to think how much damage I might have done if he hadn't dragged me to the doctor. I probably still wouldn't know that I..."

He sighs, rubbing his forehead.

"The worst was telling my parents. They had finally come to terms with Gary being gay, and Gary had worked so hard to show them he was just an ordinary guy, that he didn't sleep around, wasn't overly feminine, wasn't anything like the prejudices they had. And then I came, their perfectly straight son, telling them that not only was I gay, I had managed to be promiscuous enough to catch HIV at the tender age of sixteen."

Kurt is speechless. Of all the scenario's in his head -blood transfusions gone wrong, drugs, rape, even- this was the last he had been expecting. Maybe because it was the most common thing. Maybe because he had made that very same mistake only 5 days earlier.

"This is just..."

"Stupid? Irresponsible? Laughable?"

"So unlike you." Kurt shakes his head. "I mean... you're always so composed, and controlled - you barely even  _look_  at other guys. It's hard to imagine you as a hormonal sixteen year old losing his virginity to a college kid he barely even knows and contracting HIV in the process."

"HIV is what máde me composed and controlled," Blaine replies, a sad smile on his face. "I learned that lesson the hard way. Though not as thoroughly as I should have, it appears..."

It's Kurt who breaks the silence after that.

"Do you... do you ever regret it?" he asks tentatively.

"Sleeping with him?"

Kurt nods, and Blaine shrugs.

"I regret being naive. I regret not using protection. I regret not telling Gary earlier so I could have had a shot at PEP. But I don't regret sleeping with him. He wooed me. He was patient, and gentle, and sweet, and I can't imagine anyone having a better first time experience than I had with him. It was... perfect."

"How can you say that?" Kurt asks, incredulous. "How can you stay so calm, and... and sáy that, jóke about it, when he... when he gave you..."

But Blaine shakes his head.

"It's been four years, almost to the day. Being angry and vindictive doesn't solve anything -trust me, I've tried-, so I'd rather remember the good things. Yes, he should've thought of using protection, but there were two of us there that night, and the point is: keeping it safe was as much my responsibility as it was his. And he didn't know, Kurt. My brother told him, after I got my test results, and apparently he completely freaked out."

Kurt just stares at his lap.

"I still don't understand why you didn't tell me any of this earlier. I would never have judged you."

"This has nothing to do with judging and everything with acting, Kurt. And do you have any idea how people react to this?" Blaine asks him, suddenly aggressive. "I know you got bullied physically, Kurt, but bullying takes on a lot of different forms. People at my school, they literally took a detour not to have to see me. No one would sit next to me in class, or pair up for a project with me, or even talk to me. Gary was the only one that wouldn't treat me any differently, but he was miles away in New York. I finally ended up transferring and repeating my junior year. You think I boarded at Dalton because it was  _easier_? It was a thirty minute drive, Kurt, but my parents just couldn't deal with it. With me. Fortunately the dean and the school nurse at Dalton were a lot more discrete than they had been at my previous school, because I don't know how I would have survived otherwise."

Suddenly, Kurt remembers what Gary had told him: ' _You have your parents, and your friends, to be there for you. Blaine never had that, he went through it all by himself._ '. And even though he knows it's useless, his heart breaks for sixteen year old Blaine.

"The point is, everyone kept telling me I could lead a normal life, but it seemed like nobody would actually  _let_  me. Jeremiah... after I told him, he basically accused me of wanting to infect him. And I concluded he was right: it just wasn't fair to let anyone take that risk with me. So I swore I would never date again. I wouldn't set myself up for heartbreak like that again. But you..."

Blaine leans back in the couch, cocking his head and smiling at Kurt as if he's a child that has done something wrong, but he still can't really be mad at.

"You were so damn persistent. Especially after you found that drawing. And I... " he bites his lip, shaking his head, "I know I should've told you, especially after you kissed me. But things went so fast after that, and I thought maybe you'd be mad at me, for tricking you, or something, because I should've told you  _before_. I was convinced we'd break up as soon as you found out, and I... I started postponing it. Because now I had this... this thing I never thought I would have and I... I couldn't let go. It wasn't really a problem, after all, not as long as we didn't actually... have sex. But the longer it lasted, the more scared I got that I would lose you, and I just... "

He starts rubbing his forehead again, as if he wants to clear his head from what he's trying to say.

"I know it was selfish. I guess I thought that maybe, if I could prove to you first I could be the perfect boyfriend, you'd be more reluctant to break up with me if I told you - and I wás going to tell you, Kurt, you háve to believe that, I would never have let things go any further without telling you."

"I know," Kurt says softly, and he means it. "I believe you. But you still lied to me."

Blaine bows his head.

"I did. And I'm really -really-, truly, and deeply, sorry."

And Kurt feels the desperation clutch at his chest as he looks at the man in front of him. He doesn't want to do this, not really, but there's no other way. He's past the anger, past the disappointment. He knows he can work past the hurt, he can even work past the blame he's put on Blaine because there were two of thém that night, too. Still, he can't go back to what they were, what they had. He wouldn't know hów, because the foundation of it all -their absolute trust in each other- is no longer there.

"I still love you. But I don't think I can do this."

His voice is shaking - he has to bite his underlip to keep himself from crying and he can see Blaine is fighting hard not to give in to the tears as well.

"It's not because you're..."

"I know," Blaine nods, avoiding Kurt's eyes as he stands up. "I understand. I'll... I'll start packing my stuff, look for a new place. Gary said I could st-"

"No."

Kurt scrambles out of the couch now as well, the blanket Blaine had thrown over him held tight around his shoulders.

"Please stay."

He's not sure of what he's asking, not sure if this is really what he wants. But he knows what he doesn't want, and he doesn't want Blaine to go.

"Don't leave. I don't want to be alone now. I... I can't do this... ," he gestures between them, "us... not, not yet, at least, maybe never... but I - I need a friend, Blaine. I need  _you_. And I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared."

He breaks down when he feels Blaine's arms wrap around him, shaking as the tears stream down his cheeks and he lets his emotions run freely for the first time since that dreadful morning. Blaine presses him close, holds him up, and Kurt hates himself when he wonders for a split second if they could infect each other through their tears. He wonders if this will be them, from now on, if the lingering fear of the virus will always be there, in every touch, in every hug, and he understands, in that moment, why Blaine was so terrified of telling him.

"I don't want to be scared, Blaine, I don't want to be scared of  _you_."

"Then don't be," Blaine tells him, somehow managing to sound confident through his tears, "don't be. I know it's hard, and frightening, but you're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. I'm going to be there every step of the way and everything is going to be just fine."


	2. Epilogue

Blaine won't deny that he's made mistakes in the honesty and trust department, but let it never be said he breaks his promises.

So he's there when Kurt falls back in the couch sobbing after Mercedes has left.

"She  _flinched_ , Blaine! I don't even think she would have hugged me goodbye if I hadn't asked! I mean, even if I had it - which... which I don't even know yet - she wouldn't... she's not gonna get it from  _hugging_  me!"

Blaine doesn't say anything - simply rubs Kurt's back as he lets him rage, hurt and disappointed, about what he feels is one of his best friends betraying him. It takes a couple of minutes before he starts to calm down, and the sobbing slowly subsides.

"Kurt... ," Blaine finally gets his attention, "remember when I first held you, after you knew?"

It's Kurt's turn to flinch, now.

"That was different," he says stubbornly, although even he hears how hypocritical it sounds. He won't easily let himself forget how he freaked out over Blaine's tears mingling with his.

"Because I  _am_  positive and you _might_  be?" Blaine asks. "She's just heard that one of her best friends might have a chronic, highly contagious disease, Kurt, don't you think she's allowed to freak out about that just a little? Mercedes is a good friend, and she will not drop you at the blink of an eye. I'm not saying it's as hard on her as it is on you, but she needs time to come to terms with this, too."

It takes a moment for the words to sink in, but then Kurt nods, silently, as he cuddles up against Blaine's chest.

"Will it always be like this? People not knowing how to deal with me because of this thing I can't even control?"

"Not for you it won't," Blaine says as he rocks him gently. "Because it's not gonna get you. You were at it on time, you've got good odds, and it's not gonna get you."

He's not sure if he's comforting Kurt, or himself.

.

He's there when the first negative result come back, the one of the tests that were taken that first day in the hospital. And although they more or less knew the result in advance, they still celebrate, with a bottle of wine and an Audrey Hepburn marathon. They haven't even made it halfway through Breakfast at Tiffany's when they fall asleep on the couch together, all tangled limbs and smiling faces.

Three days later, however, when Kurt cries himself to sleep after another heavy therapy session, Blaine's not there to hold him because Kurt has thrown him out, yet again. Instead, he spends the night curled up against the front door of their apartment, listening to the muffled sounds of Kurt's sobs, and he waits, until Kurt lets him back in and they talk, for hours on end, about Kurt's fears and Blaine's mistakes, although no matter how hard they try, they never quite reach that point where everything is alright.

.

But he's there again when Kurt takes his last set of antiretrovirals, exactly four weeks after he's started them. He swallows the pills with obvious disgust, but the smile on his face as he puts down his glass is that of a free man.

"You know, I have a present for you," Blaine says, smiling coyly, his hands behind his back.

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

"Because I managed to make it through four weeks of swallowing pills?"

"Small victories," Blaine reminds him as he gives him a small peck on the cheek and presents his gift.

But Kurt looks quizzical when he sees what's lying in Blaine's outstretched hands.

"A... hammer?"

"I thought you might want to take a swing at that pill dispenser," Blaine winks.

Kurt can't help but stare at him.

"I... I can't do thát! The table! A... And... what if I'll need it again?" He feels like a buzzkill, but he can't help it. "What if I'm-"

"Sssh..." Blaine places a finger against his lips. "You won't be. And if you are, I'll buy you a new one. Promise. I'll bedazzle it myself. Now take the hammer. You know you want to."

Kurt needs two swings to get it right, and he knows that dent in the kitchen table will never go away, but the satisfaction of hearing the hated little pillbox break and shatter to pieces is more than worth it.

.

Blaine's there - albeit a little reluctantly - when Linda insists on his presence when she explains to Kurt, in excruciating and painful detail, exactly what does and does not constitute safe sex practice. Both Kurt and Blaine seem oblivious to the contradiction between their linked hands throughout the session and their insistence that they do not, in fact, need a sex talk since they are not, in fact, together. Linda sends them off with a smile and a free sample box of lubricated latex condoms.

.

Blaine's there, too, when the second test result comes, when the doctor says "negative", when Kurt throws himself around Blaine's neck and kisses him, hard, on the lips. He's there when Kurt pulls away, embarrassed, shocked at his own impulsivity.

"Oh dear," he stammers, "that... I'm sorry... I didn't..."

"I know," Blaine assures him - and he does, he knows this doesn't mean anything, per se, but the butterflies in his stomach flutter harder than ever, and he's determined to enjoy the moment anyway. "Small victories, right?"

The fact that Kurt doesn't pull away -actually smiles back- gives him hope.

"Small victories," Kurt confirms, as he buries his head in the crook of Blaine's neck.

.

Blaine's there when Kurt needs to do some paperwork for his summer internship and his pen hovers over the box where he's supposed to fill in "Specific requirements/remarks (dietary/medical/...)".

"I should write something, here... shouldn't I?" Kurt asks, hesitantly.

But Blaine shakes his head.

"No, you shouldn't. First off, to the best of your knowledge your status is negative. Second, you are under no legal requirement to disclose any of that. So don't."

But Kurt is not convinced.

"Then what if something happens? Shouldn't they know? In case I... hurt myself, or, I don't know... hurt someone else?"

"Then you'll deal with it at that moment."

Blaine moves into the chair opposite Kurt, grabbing his hand over the kitchen table.

"Look, Kurt, I know you're trying to do the 'responsible' thing, but it makes absolutely no sense. Your status will not affect your work in any way, but like it or not, it might affect whether they decide to take you on. And there's no way you'll be able to prove it if it does. It's none of their business and unless it's actually relevant and necessary - keep it that way."

His acceptance letter comes a couple of days later with the return of post.

.

And finally Blaine's there, he's very much there when Kurt all but squishes his hand to a pulp as they wait in the doctor's office for the results of Kurt's third, and last, test.

"Kurt, calm down," Blaine tells him, although he knows it's no use. "Your odds are good, you know that. That last test was way more important. This is just to make sure."

"Yeah, but what if?" Kurt asks him, fear sparkling in his eyes. "Maybe the last one was a false negative. It happens. Karma's a bitch, and I know I may have pushed things when I didn't stop insulting Rachel's animal sweaters. And remember that one time in the Vuitton store when I told that lady teal was not her color? Yeah, she definitely wasn't happy about that."

"I honestly doubt your complete lack of filter when it comes to other people's fashion sense will influence your chances of contracting HIV," Blaine says dryly.

"Blaine!" Kurt is genuinely shocked. "This is not a joke! Are you not nervous? How are you not nervous? Don't you remember when  _you_  were waiting for your final results?"

To Kurt's surprise, Blaine laughs.

"Oh yeah, I remember that."

"And you weren't nervous?"

"Of course I was nervous!" Blaine says, the corner of his mouth curling in a smile when he sees a smug expression appear on Kurt's face. "Gary had promised to give me Brad's number if I was negative, and I couldn't wai- AW!"

He glares at Kurt, massaging his side where Kurt had less-than-subtly planted his elbow in Blaine's ribs.

"It's true, though," he murmurs softly, but Kurt isn't listening.

"What if, Blaine?  _What. if_?"

"Then we'll deal with it," Blaine replies firmly.

He shifts in his chair, forcing Kurt to do the same so they're facing each other.

"We talked about this, remember? If - and keep in mind this is a really, really small if - if you're positive, then you're one lucky bastard because thanks to my pubescent rebelling we already know exactly what is needed to keep this particular strain under control. And, AND-" he holds up his hand to stop Kurt from protesting, "you're going to continue your life exactly as you always planned it. You're going to love your new pill dispenser because I'll make it shine and glitter in this fall's trending colors, you're going to fight, and you're going. to be. fine."

Kurt nods, although Blaine can see that he's fighting back his tears.

"But us, Blaine?" Kurt asks weakly. "What about us?"

There's no good answer to this question, and Blaine knows it. They've carefully been avoiding the topic for the past couple of months, focussing on getting Kurt through PEP, getting them both through finals, honoring the unspoken agreement they would wait at least until they knew where Kurt stood.

"I love you," he finally says. "But whether or not you're positive, I screwed up. I broke our trust, I broke  _us_  - I know that and I know that no matter what I do, no matter what your status is, I will never be able to really fix that. This, this mistake, it will always be a part of us. And I accept that. But I don't want to be thát person, Kurt. I love you, and I believe we can make it work even though there's always going to be three of us in this relationship, but I can't forever be the one that screwed up. I'm happy with whatever you want to give me, but if you do decide to give me -us- another chance... please... make it a full chance."

And Kurt understands, understands that their being together has nothing to do with either of their medical issues, that today -and his status- will not make or break what they have. Because while Blaine made the mistake that led to their break up, whether or not they can work it out will depend on Kurt first, and on whether or not he can accept that Blaine lied to him, and work past that: forgive him. And he knows he's not there. Not quite. Not yet.

But he wants to be.

"Kurt Hummel?" The nurse looks around the waiting room, finally setting her eyes on Blaine and Kurt. "The doctor's ready to see you now."

.

Hours later, even after they've called Burt and Carole, after they've told Mercedes, Rachel, Gary, Ben, ... - Kurt is still crying. Crying over that one word that changes everything and nothing, that one word that he knows he will never again take for granted, that one word that should make him happy but instead makes him feel guilty because he can't believe how lucky he is, can't believe he got away. He got away.

 

> _Legal Name - Kurt Hummel_   
> _Date of Birth - Born May 27, 1993_   
> _Identification - SSN ***-**-**** / CDL N*******_
> 
> _ Test results _
> 
> _Chlamydia ... NEGATIVE  
> _ _Syphilis _..._  NEGATIVE  
> _ _HIV-1 DNA _...__ NEGATIVE  
> Hepatatis C ... NEGATIVE
> 
> _Explanation of results_
> 
> _"negative" means that the bacteria or virus was not found_

**Author's Note:**

> ... I hope none of you will kill me over the end - it just felt most natural to leave it like this. I know this is a sensitive issue, and I've tried to honor it as best as I could, so I would love to hear how you perceived it! The sequel is on its way, I'm about 23 chapters in out of... 26 or so, and I'll be posting them within the next couple of days.


End file.
